A Strange Experience

Ihad a bizarre experience last night. I was lying in bed trying to sleep, when I got a severe pain in my chest, like I was having a heart attack. It went on for hours, and I found myself fading in and out of consciousness. At one point I astral projected out of my body; and in my astral body, I ran into a wino sleeping in an ally. He was a black man with a wine-bottle in his hand. He saw me and ran in fear. I told him that I did not want to hurt him, but it didn't matter. I had this feeling of dejection, in that I must have looked so demonic and horrible, (indeed become such) that any human could only run in terror, if they saw who I really was.... There was more chest pain, and I was trapped between living and dying. Being neither alive nor dead was a horrible feeling. I was filled with terror and I cried out to God,(or what I thought was God) and apologized to him for having hated him for so long. I felt like Lucifer being crushed under the sword of St. Michael, it really was terrifying. At that point I had an experience of annihilation, where my astral and physical being was destroyed down to the atomic level, and recreated in an instant. It was like the substance of the Godhead, infused itself into me; into the process. It was like the Godhead wanted to unify and incarnate itself into the form and essence of an entity who truly hated it, and become it/me.

It occurred to me that this was the purpose, not getting an apology from a little twerp such as myself. The Godhead would not care what I thought of it, anymore than I would care what a microbe thought of me. Some sort of weird fusion took place, similar to when I felt seared by the essence of total Evil back in 1987. This experience was being seared by the white fire of the Divine Energy, or at least the manifestation of It anthropomorphized into a form I could experience or comprehend. After this the chest pain seemed to abate over a period of a couple hours, and I zonked out. I had a dream of wandering homeless from place-to-place, and that the only person that I could depend on was this Divine Being, not people. That it was my sole sustainer. This is strange, because it has turned my belief-system upside-down. I have been convinced for years that Evil was the most powerful force in the Universe, that Goodness was powerless, and I accepted this demoralizing fact. Now I have had an experience of the tremendous power of this benevolent force or presence, that was just as great as that of evil. This has really fucked my head up! I feel now like I am one with both Ultimate Good and Ultimate Evil, and that they are twin phases of the same Reality. I can not accept one at the expense of the other, or reject either. So now I am embracing the Light as well as the Dark. I woke up today, and my heart was not filled with hatred, for the first time in ages. There is a force of empathy or power of soul, that has smashed back into my ephemeral being and life, it has refused to give up on me.

I know just one little slip, and the hate and darkness will return. Maybe I am fated to go in and out of that, I don't know. But I have a doorway into a level of Light. I have a sense that this anthropomorphic projection of of the Divine Consciousness, cares about me. And even though God has made me suffer horribly in this crazy world he has breathed forth, I can find it in my heart to forgive Him/Her. Perhaps someday God will explain it, or perhaps admit that He/She did not know what was going on all the time either. I would like to sink my mind into the Ocean of the Infinite, and like Milarepa, know the Supreme Void while having my body be a temple blazing with gods.....